From the time I was 12 or 13 years old, I've always found I could write my feelings better than I could express them in any other way......verbally, through my actions, my facial expressions...anything. I might not always be grammatically correct, or think to use spellcheck, and I currently have a sticky keyboard, and tend to type more like I talk....in blurbs, snippets, incomplete sentences. And now, at 44, I find myself facing the most horrible life situation I think any parent could ever face, the possible loss of my child, and I wonder if writing can help me once again. Because some days I have no feelings at all; and sometimes those days are a welcome respite from the absolutely paralyzing jumble of emotions that build and build and build in me. The overwhelming helplessness, the anger, the grief, the unreasonable resentment I sometimes find myself feeling toward the parents of healthy children, the understandable (I think), resentment I feel toward all of her friends whose lives have kept on going as if ours haven't come to a screeching halt, even though my rational mind knows that is how it should be, the feeling of being so alone (even though I am surrounded by people who love me and would give anything in the world to be able to help) because no one, absolutley no one, can know how this feels unless they have been through it. So, after the wonderful, fateful, and much-needed meeting of a new friend...the kind of friendship that clicks immediately because of shared experiences that you would never wish on anybody else but you are so grateful to find someone who understands....I have decided to pin a title on myself that I've never had before; a blogger. And because I am not the most computer savvy and not sure if I have even set this page up correctly, and mostly because throwing your feelings out for the world to see (all of the sudden the term "spilling your guts" makes sense, although right now it feels more like the explosive vomiting of feelings) I have to decided to do this as quick and painlessly as possible; I am just going to close my eyes..... and jump.
My beautiful baby girl, Adrianne, is almost 22 years old and she is the second of my 4 children. I've been married twice (and divorced twice) and have two children from each marriage. Justin is 26 and is a Marine stationed at Miramar in San Diego. Next is Adrianne, who was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis when she was
2 1/2 months old and since most of what I write here will be about her, all I will tell you right now is that she is beautiful, wise, articulate, funny and amazing in so many ways. Next is Declan, who is 11, and is a wonderful combination of being "all boy" and just a downright sweetheart. Lily is my baby, and at 10 years old, she is almost as tall as her big "sissy," who she adores more than any other person on Earth. OK, there are the introductory logistics out of the way and now I feel like I can start writing about what this is supposed to be about.... a 22 year journey that, although I can't say I wouldn't change just for the obvious fact that I would give anything for Adrianne to be healthy. but also one that I wouldn't trade, either. I'm not exactly sure yet where this is going but I know that it has started...so I am going to hit "Post" ,,,,close my eyes and....jump.
And I'll tell you what "Moomer and the Bean" is a little later...
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