You know that feeling...right as the roller coaster reaches the crest of that first BIIIIIIIGGGG hill....that mixture of dread, anticipation, fear, excitement, wishing you could get off, stomach feels like it is located somewhere just south of your windpipe, which, by the way feels as if it has been stuffed with toilet paper and needs a plunger so you can throw up. That is the compromised state that I feel like life has become. Knowing what is coming but can't make it stop. Eliminate the excitment and screaming giggles and knowing that in a few minutes it will be all over but the laughing. There will be no laughing. And I never know when that front car will start to make it's decent. There have been several times when I have thought it was starting....this morning at 3:18 being one of them. When my phone rang and it was Adrianne my heart felt like it was going to explode in my chest. I didn't have time to have the rational thought that at least the call was coming from her phone and not the hospital number. But when I answered, and she told me that she had been throwing up all night and was running a fever and the nurse got on the phone and told me that she was showing signs of sepsis and they were bringing in a rapid response team to assess, I felt the car start to inch forward. A fever means she has an infection brewing...never a good thing. Oddly enough, admidst my many scattered panicked thoughts, one thing stood out so clearly; "Damn that Stites...I KNEW this would happen if he kept her inpatient so long." She was bound to pick up something being in the hospital that long. It is so easy to second guess and to have hindsight. I just kept thinking that there wasn't anything they were doing there that I couldn't do at home. It would have meant going in for xrays every other day, but that's OK. A moot point now. But panic reigned as I scurried around my kitchen,not knowing whether to get Declan and Lily out of bed and head for the hospital, ot take them to my sister's since my mom is out of town.
My biggest fear is that she takes such a sharp sudden turn for the worse and I am not there. What if she would slip into a state of unconsciousness and I didn't get to tell her for eighty zillionth time that she has brought more joy to my life than I ever could have imagined. What if she couldn't breathe and she was scared and alone and wanted me there? Sometimes she just wants me there just because she wants me there...and that is plenty good enough reason for me.
The doctor got on the phone and assured me that she was not in any eminent danger and that there was no need for me to drag my sleeping kids down there in the middle of the night.
But things happen quickly and sometimes the roller coaster operator likes to trick you into a short lull of comfort before He jerks the lever and down,down, down you plunge, unable to do a single damn thing about it.
I hate roller coasters. I want off so bad. So FUCKING BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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