A Shadow of My Former Self

It used to take me one hour, at least, of primping, to go out into the world feeling beautiful. Feeling beautiful is so far down on my list of priorities that if society didn't demand it, I probably wouldn't even shower. Now, a fast shower, hair pulled back in a wet ponytail, and whatever sweats or baggy jeans I can find and I call it good. I just flat out DO NOT CARE! My mom tells me over and over "how much better I'd feel" with just " a little makeup". Oh.My.God. How can anyone think makeup will fix this? I DON'T CARE that the wrinkle between my brow has become permanant this past year. IF fact, the wrinkles that now seem to have overtaken my entire face. WHO CARES???? I don't care that my roots show. I know I look 10 years older than I did a year and a half ago. I DON'T CARE! Strangely enough, the only physical thing about myself that bothers me is that I've gained weight sitting in the hospital so much....I suppose I'm a stress eater. But I HATE putting on weight. Maybe I will become a stress non-eater.

I used to love to be the life of the party. Again, the farthest thing from my mind. I couldn't go out and have a good time even if I had the opportunity....the guilt would outweigh the buzz.

I have closed the door on my personal relationship because I don't want my attention diverted from Adrianne. I have done this to this person so many times in the past...whenever Adrianne would get sick, I always pushed the relationship to the back burner. We always seemed to find our way back. This time is different, though. I have such a sense of urgency to soak up every minute I can with Adrianne...I want to just breathe her in, embed her into my mind and my body, the fabric of my being. She is so much ME and I am HER.

I wonder if I will ever find me again? So much of me is intertwined with Adrianne. I know that I will never be the same again, but will I ever find any of the old me? The one who laughed instead of cried all the time? The first one ready for a party. Hell, usually the one who organized the party! Again, I just don't care. I don't care about that person anymore. I only care about the person who, right now, is lying by herself, in a hospital bed, wondering if she will ever gain any semblance of a normal life back. That is all I care about.