No, it's not OK, it's definitely fucking not OK!!!!

I guess I should have included a parental language warning with my first blog. Well, now you have it. Sometimes, the F word is just the only word that works for me. If I offend you, I apologize, but you don't have to read my blog!
Adrianne started not feeling well on Thursday. I wasn't toooo overly concerned yet, just watchful. She took a shower and I sat on the toilet talking to her while she was in there in case she needed help or got dizzy. As I was drying her off and combing her hair, she said "You know, Moom, I have been thinking a lot lately. I know I'm headed back to the hospital soon. I can feel it. And I think I have come to accept that the stays are getting longer and more frequent. The time between stays is getting shorter. It's just my disease and I am resigned to the fact that that is just how it is. And it's OK."
My mind was immediately screaming. "It's not OK. IT is absolutley fucking not OK! IT will never be OK. It's not fair and I fucking hate it!!" and then my next thoughts went something like "Oh my God, no, don't let her become accepting, don't let her give up yet. They told me to let her make her own decisions, let her 'drive the bus'. They (the palliative care people) told me that she would know before anyone when she was ready. But she can't be ready! It's NOT OK!!"
Last year, when Adrianne was very, very sick, and her doctors didn't think she would make it, I had a lot of counseling by hospice and palliative care professionals who told me that the most important thing was to let her die without feeling guilty that she is disappointing me by "giving up" or to not let her worry about leaving me behind. They told me not to push her....to let her make her own decisions as to when her body was tired and ready to let go. I listened to them and I did what they said. When Adrianne was more coherent and I told her everything that had been told to me, she gave me very specific instructions to disregard all I had been told (pretty sure she used the term "bullshit" several times ) and to always keep pushing her, to never let her give up, because she has a lot of living to do and she says she's not going anywhere but home. So, I'll take her directions over theirs anyday of the week. THEY DO NOT KNOW MY DAUGHTER LIKE I DO! They don't know how charming and persuasive she is, how much she loves life, how she walks into a room and people gather around just to be near her.

So, to CF and all of it's cronies that keep on attacking her body, understand "IT'S NOT OK, you stupid motherfuckers and I will keep fighting you til I have nothing left. Do you understand??????!!"

Because without my girl, my little bean, nothing in life would ever be OK again.