Adrianne met the girl who calls herself Adrianne's BFF the summer before freshman year of high school. They met at Camp Tekakwitha at the climbing wall and for whatever reason, they just clicked. It's not always been what I consider a perfect friendship, and I know Adrianne would agree. "K" has always been extremely territorial of Adrianne, often, I felt, limiting Adrianne's other relationships, none so much as those with boyfriends. K likes to be the puppeteer, the arbitrator, the bearer of all news Adrianne Orel. She also has the worst case of "only child syndrome" I've ever seen. Case in point,her own birthday is extremely important to her. Every September, for the last 8 years, Adrianne gets stressed to the point of tears, trying to make sure that K has the best birthday yet. On her 20th birthday, Adrianne checked herself out of the hospital too early, despite my wishes and her doctors' very strong suggestions, in order to hightail it back to Manhattan for K's birthday. She was back in the hospital at square one three days later. She knows she messed up that time, but K has always had this strange stronghold on Adrianne. Last year, for K's 21st birthday, Adrianne was so, so sick, in the hospital, being talked to about life support parameters, and K literally told Adrianne that she had once again managed to steal the limelight from her birthday by being sick. Are you freaking kidding me? Needless to say, K and I don't get along. The past couple of weeks have shed a lot of light to Adrianne and I about lies that K has told to Adrianne for past year regarding Adrianne's ex-boyfriend, Andrew, and in reverse the spoonfuls of absolute shit that she has fed Andrew during that time, always playing them against each other but always crying innocent when she's called out.
I have for years wondered what Adrianne gets out of this relationship. I wonder why she isn't absolutely filled with rage, as I am, at K for stomping out every little last ember of hope Adrianne had about Andrew this past year. I have thought about it so much this past week and finally it dawned on me. K is Adrianne's last link to life as she knew it, when things were normal, before she got so sick that we permanantly live in this compromised state. Her other friends might stop by her Facebook wall once in awhile, or text her now and then, but they are all living their own lives, as they should. Adrianne has no other vehicle to make new friends right now...me and Hermie are it. Hermie is her stuffed hippopotamus whom she truly does love...Hermie is really her best friend, now. I told Adrianne the other day that I finally understand why she puts up with K and her lies. She just looked at me with those beautiful eyes that I have loved more than life for 22 years and said "I just don't want to be left with no one."
My heart broke.
The SINGLE MOST THING that I am proud of in my life are my relationships with my kids. When Adrianne was in high school, her friends would get mad at her for telling her mom too much. When asked her her best friend is, she usually says "My Moom." Does she know how absolutely terrified I am of being left alone? Yes, we've talked a lot about it...it's probably one of HER biggest fears. Last year, when her doctor's didn't think she would be coming home again she said "Moomy, Dad has Kathy, but what will you do without me?"
What indeed, my beautiful baby girl. I truly have no idea.
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