Well Meaning Words

Adrianne has had CF her whole life. Her whole life we've heard phrases like "She's a trooper" and "What a fighter!" and "You are so strong" and "I don't know how you do it." I have never given these things much thought because I just took them for granted. They are just the things people say when 1)they want to say something, anything to make you feel better, or 2) they don't know what else to say. They truly are well meaning words. This past 16 going on 17 months, I have had an abundance of time to think about these things. What do they really mean? What does it mean to say that Adrianne is a fighter or that we are strong? It means absolutely nothing, I've realized. We are no different than anybody else. We had this nasty, horrible disease dumped into our lives out of random fate and anybody else would react the exact same way. At least, I think they would, because I can't imagine acting any differently. Adrianne is a fighter because she has to endure horrendous, endless, sometimes gross, sometimes very painful, sometimes just bothersome, but always life-threatening things? Am I strong because I hate the fact that my child has this disease and would give anything in the world to be like the character in "The Green Mile", I think his name was Big John, who could suck the pain or disease or badness out of someone's body and take it into his own? We aren't special. We just have no choice. I think sometimes Adrianne feels like she has to live up to people's perception of her. I know I feel that way. I feel like such a phony, a fake, like my life is a big lie because people think I'm something I'm not. I feel like everyday might be the day I fall off the edge into the dark abyss of a nervous breakdown. Sometimes I hope for that day because I wonder if losing my mind might be some kind of sweet release. ( Realize, this is just babble...I don't truly want to lose my mind!! But it's kind of a strangely deranged, fun thought once in awhile. )

And yet, as I sit here thinking about how cliche' these things seem and knowing that they are said out of the need to say SOMETHING, I still find comfort in just knowing that people do care. It's not the actual words that have meaning; it's the fact that someone cares enough to try and find those right words to help us get through the day. So truly, the words, whatever they are, do their job! SO, thank you, to each and every one of you that send us your thoughts and prayers and good wishes everyday. Please know that they do reach their target destination! And please keep thinking of us because I realize more than ever how much those thoughts and kind words mean to me. Adrianne and I will do our best to live up to them! She will fight this ugly disease and try and gain some semblance of her life back, and I will try to ward off the nervous breakdown that would leave my kids without a crazy mother!

Just the musings of a mind with too much time on it's hands....I suppose this too shall pass.